Just to see you smile: A country song for AFCs

I just have to dissect the lyrics to this Tim McGraw song today.  It is a great example of how popular culture (yes country music is popular) usually gets things wrong when it comes to relationship dynamics. 

Let’s look at this song verse by verse (it should have been dedicated to Average Frustrated Chumps everywhere).

Artist: McGraw Tim

Song: Just To See You Smile

Album: Everywhere

 First Verse: You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from being made of gold
I don’t know how but I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no
Cure Oneitis Interpretation: “I am completely whipped and I think you will like me as much as I like you if buy you stuff”.  He is completely demonstrating lower value with this validation seeking behavior.  You shouldn’t have to spend big money to form and maintain a healthy connection with the object of your desire. As the song continues, this behavior contributes to the negative outcome.

Second Verse: Just like when you were leaving Amarillo
Takin’ that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I can’t forget the way you looked at me
Cure Oneitis Interpretation: “I have no ambitions other than to be with you”.  This is not attractive behavior.  Doing whatever your gal wants and making big sacrifices for her often has the opposite effect of what the concession intended.  Attraction is not a choice.  She needs to feel your strength and she can’t do that with you being a wuss and caving into suit her needs all the time.

Chorus: Just to see you smile
I’d do anything that you wanted me to
When all is said and done
I’d never count the cost
It’s worth all that’s lost
Just to see you smile
Cure Oneitis Interpretation: “You are more important than me”.  Putting a woman on a pedestal is a bad idea.  She is a human being just like you and you should feel confident that you are a prize too.  

Third Verse: When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
‘Cause leavin’ didn’t hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin’ down your face
Cure Oneitis Interpretation: “You are leaving me, but I am here for you”. I have to read into this one based on what is implied by the other verses, but my guess is that the guy gets dumped and he continues to invest in the relationship. He probably does all he can to make it easy for her and be there for her in her time of confusion.  She basically gets to heal from the breakup with his support.   

Fourth Verse: And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin’ up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance I’d lie again
Cure Oneitis Interpretation: “How come she doesn’t want to be with me after I have done so much for her? Oh well, I will just continue to be her emotional tampon so she sees how great I am and will want to be with me”. No surprise that he doesn’t end up with the girl.  His behavior was completely unattractive.  First he tries to make her happy by buying her stuff.  Next, he uproots his life to be with her.  Finally, he makes sure that she feels no pain from dumping him while supporting her emotionally. 

Conclusion

While this song is completely over the top, glorifying AFC behavior is not unusual in books, movies, and songs.  Many men fall into the trap that this behavior can win a woman over in the long run.  Unfortunately for these men, they may never learn how to suppress these wimpy impulses and be the type of confident man that gets the gal.

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8 Tools That Will Change Your Life: The�Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Book�Giveaway by Wayne M. Levine

8 Tools That Will Change Your Life: The�Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Book�Giveaway by Wayne M. Levine.

This is extremely interesting and speaks to the heart of why some men fall victim to Oneitis. The first item really resonates with me.  I think we all need to man up at times.  Remember that your lady needs you to be masculine in order to fully express her femininity.  You need to stop being a little boy.  That isn’t attractive.  When you really need a shoulder to cry on, call your mom or a close friend. 

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“I miss you” means…..NOTHING!

One of the things that can keep you stuck on a girl is buying into what she says instead of strictly judging the situation by her actions. Her words are a great weapon in her arsenal.  The reason her words are effective in keeping you hooked is that her words mean much more to you than they do to her.

When she says “I miss you”, this is most likely true.  But that doesn’t mean she wants to get back together with you, sleep with you, or even see you.  She is just throwing out a simple statement reflecting that a small part of her does indeed miss you in some way.  She says this to connect with you for a brief moment to momentarily experience what you previously shared.

The problem is that the words mean much more to you.  When she says “I miss you” you believe there is hope of reconciliation.  You think, “she misses me and wants to get back together with me”.  You think you see an opening.  In 99% of the cases, it is a dead end.  Please don’t think your situation is in the other 1%.

You need to treat her words as a small part of the communication equation.  I am sure you have heard that only a small fraction of communication is conveyed by the words spoken.  You know of the importance of body language.  Think of her actions as the body language of her communications with you. If she says she misses you and doesn’t want to make plans to see you, then she doesn’t miss you in a way that will lead to an ongoing romantic relationship with her.

Judge her by her actions and not her words and you will probably see that the relationship is over and that you must move on and invest your energy in other situations.

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Put your wallet away!

Do not go out and spend your hard earned money trying to gain the favor of the subject of your oneitis. Buying her flowers, gifts, or anything of value is not going to help the situation.  She is not going to change how she feels about you because you buy her something.  Attraction is not a choice. She will intuitively understand that you are buying the gift from a position of neediness and it will definitely be viewed as a display of lower value.  It will have an effect opposite of what you intended.  I advocate a no contact strategy.  The worst way to break no contact is with flowers or a gift. 

While we are on the topic of spending money on women, I regret much of the cash I shed to impress the various ladies in my life.  A gift now and then as a reward for good behavior can be a productive part of managing your relationship.  If you are spending money on her because you are trying to obtain some type of result or reaction, however, this will be detrimental to the relationship.  It will scream insecurity and clingy behavior.  Forgive yourself if you have made the mistake of trying to woo with your wallet.  From this point forward realize this: Not only will you save money by not buying that gift you think will make her melt, but you will be avoiding the negative consequences of lowering your value in her eyes.  Wow! Taking this advice means more money to spend on yourself and more respect from the women you date.  When I realized the importance of this point, I felt free.  But I also knew that I was losing a weapon in my arsenal (albeit one that usually backfires). 

The next time you are feeling insecure in your relationship and feel tempted to buy her a gift to show her how much you care—DON’T.  That is a poor investment.  The highest return on investment you can make in this situation is to save the money (or buy yourself a gift instead).  You will have the satisfaction of knowing you didn’t yield to these needy instincts and the money will still be in your bank account. 

Don’t spend excessive money on women.  The provider mentality will not help you with seduction. 

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Almost Everyone Agrees: No Contact is Best!

When you search the web for breakup recovery you are going to either see pages geared towards rekindling the romance with your ex or geared towards getting over her.  Guess what strategy these two camps have in common?  That’s right, no contact.

Don’t initiate contact with your ex-girlfriend. Nothing good is going to come from reaching out to her in the early stages (or ever) after a breakup.  You must not allow yourself to continue to invest time and energy into this situation.  If you want to get over her, talking to her really won’t help.  There is no such thing as closure, just a temporary feeling that you truly understand the situation.  If you want to get her back (and I don’t think that ever works long term), no contact is considered important for some period of time.

Start considering the possibility that you don’t really need to speak to her again. No text, no Facebook, no instant messaging, no letters.  Total silence.  You aren’t doing it to prompt a reaction from her (unless you are in the delusional get her back mode); you are doing no contact for you. This is to give you the space to heal and to make sure you don’t continue flushing your energy down the toilet.

Think about how you felt after your most recent exchange with her.  Did it make you feel better? Did your energy level rise?  If you enjoyed the conversation, did the positive feelings fade quickly leaving you feeling empty?

All you are doing by interacting with her is helping her. She is using your adoration as a crutch to continue moving on with her life—without you.  She is feeding off of you.  Don’t be used like this.  Cut ties now so that you can invest your energy in yourself and eventually new situations.

And if she contacts you, just be too busy to get sucked into anything.  Don’t validate her in any way. Don’t have to tell her you can’t interact with her because you are trying to move on with your life.  That is disempowering and emphasizes how important she was and how tough it is for you.  She isn’t special enough for that type of drama.  You are just moving on and are busy having a great time.  And if it is easier for you not to respond, then don’t.  When you stop wondering when you will hear from her again or how you will respond when she does, than you will have made a key step forward to reclaiming your life.

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Can I get her Back?

Trying to win back a lost love is a low probability play. If you have Oneitis, your chances are even lower.

She is gone. You are not going to get back together with her.  In the unlikely event that you do get back together with her, you will probably replay the same patterns that facilitated the break up and you will be back to square one.  I have been through that with more than one relationship. You need to move on and invest your energy in other areas.

It is going to be much easier to gain some understanding from your failed relationship and apply that to future relationships than it would be to try to make the type of adjustments necessary to make something work with your ex.   In chronic cases of Oneitis, you probably exhibited many unattractive behaviors towards the end of the relationship and it is going to be very difficult to overcome this picture of you she has in her mind.

The problem with trying to win her back is that it embraces a key cause of Oneitis—that she is special. You have to get over that scarcity mindset and think of all the amazing people (including women) that you can attract into your life once you stop focusing on this one girl.

Commit TODAY, to leaving the past behind and building a wonderful life for yourself in the present.

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The Beginning

Afflicted with Oneitis

She was the one and then she was gone. I thought it was such an amazing love that we had, but the cracks in the veneer became increasingly visible. I saw the breakup coming and it just made me more desperate to try to keep things together. Understandably, holding on tighter just accelerated the end. I felt so empty inside when she broke up with me. I couldn’t believe that she wasn’t my girlfriend anymore. I couldn’t believe that she was ready to move on from the relationship.

I searched for answers—on the web, of course. I couldn’t believe how much material was available on breakups. Two distinct camps existed. There were books and materials geared towards helping you win back your ex. Other materials were strictly about moving on and getting over your breakup. The other thing I noticed was how many people wanted to earn a buck on the back of my pain. I don’t begrudge anyone earning money by selling their content, but I couldn’t find much objective review of these materials. I would read something that looked helpful, only to realize it was there strictly to promote someone’s product.  And buy these products I did! Some were extremely helpful, some were extremely disappointing.  In future posts, I will review some of these  books and products.

About this blog:

This blog is not profit motivated. I will not serve as affiliate marketing for someone else’s product. Any reviews or endorsements posted on this blog are my genuine opinion of these resources.

This blog is oriented towards men. Sure, we all know a woman who is hung up on some guy and can’t get on with her life, but I’m a guy and this blog is written for a male audience.

This blog is part of my healing process. I am still in pain, I have come a long way since the breakup, but I don’t have all the answers. I look forward to an exchange of ideas with other men suffering from the scourge of Oneitis. I am not a guru (yet).

This blog will contain references to the pickup community. One of the underlying causes of Oneitis is a scarcity mentality. Resources and strategies towards improving your outcome with the opposite sex may be a key to your recovery.

This blog won’t contain quick fixes. I wish I could tell you that there was a quick cure for Oneitis. There is no magical pill that will set you free. I believe that a collection of short term tactics and a long-term commitment towards continuous improvement in yourself is the right path forward.

This blog will advocate tough love. I want this to be a supportive, but no-nonsense, place for readers to explore Oneitis. Let’s man up and get our shit together.

Thanks for reading my first post. I look forward to diving into this rich topic in future posts!

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